This year, many of us have occupied a seat on the “struggle bus.” We complained about it, we talked about it, and the only thing we have not done is gotten off of it! As Mother’s Day approaches, radio talk show hosts are asking women what they want most as a Mother’s Day gift, and I’m hearing the same answer, repeatedly: Women are saying they are exhausted, overwhelmed, and emotionally spent. The only thing they want for Mother’s Day is to sleep in, have a day off, and have everyone fend for themselves for twenty-four hours. That is understandable, especially for women who have been working a full-time job, tending to young children, and home schooling!!!

Ladies, you must be falling into bed at night like a rock! Even if you don’t have children, the last year has been one for the books… its’ been harrowing to say the least. Thankfully, it appears that light is emerging at the end of the proverbial tunnel and we will be moving toward a more normal version of life as we know it. The question I have for you is this… How will we emerge? Will we look like a victor having just finished a race or more like a victim hobbling to the wounded tent for treatment? From my aerial view, it looks like many of you not only bought the struggle bus ticket, but I can tell the seat has become familiar and comfortable. The problem now is how do you get off the struggle bus and start living a joy-filled, productive life that is so exciting you want to spring out of bed in the morning? You may be thinking, I have never “sprung out of bed,” joy-filled!  That’s okay. But, you will from now on! It’s all about gaining some perspective.

The one thing we have great difficulty doing for ourselves is gaining perspective!  We are so darn hyper-focused on ourselves and completely subjective that we lack real clarity and objectivity. I want to share a little experiment with you to illustrate my point. The above image is not my creation; I saw it this week and it mirrored a point I was trying to make with a client perfectly. A picture says a thousand words, right? So that nothing is left to interpretation, I want to walk you through a step by step exercise that I would do with you if you were a client visiting me in my office.

Picture a room with pure white walls and on the wall, there is a small black circle about the size of the head of an eraser. I invite you to move within an inch of that black dot and I ask you to stare at that dot for a full minute…Go ahead – get closer. Pretty soon the ONLY thing you would see would be that black dot! My guess is that if I asked you to get so close that your nose practically touched the wall, the dot would appear even bigger! This is what we do with our worries and our problems: We keep moving closer and closer until they become so big that they occupy all our visual space, and we can’t see anything else. There is no balance remaining. Maybe someone was nice to you today… It doesn’t matter. I see black. Maybe there are beautiful flowers in front of your home or office. It doesn’t matter. I see black! Maybe there is some great event, date, or accomplishment in the offing. It doesn’t matter. I see black! Be honest, does this sound like you? Is this how you respond to life most days? 

Now, I am going to ask you to move all the way across the room and shut your eyes for just a second. Re-open them and try to find that exact black dot. If you can still find it (and many squint and struggle to do so) it appears dramatically smaller than its’ original size. In fact, it is the same size, but you are no longer within half an inch of it! You may even start to realize that there are many other “dots,” like in the image above, and that in the grand scheme of things, the black dot you were focused on is actually rather inconsequential. It is just one dot in a series of dots, and that, my friends, is life! 

We spend a large chunk of our time blowing things out of proportion. I’m not saying that really big events won’t shake us, what I am saying is “STEP AWAY FROM THE DOT.”  My forte is helping individuals move away from the black dot, and the overwhelming difficulties of the day. As many of us prepare to head back into the workplace, Thierforce can help you and/or your team gain perspective, re-ignite your enthusiasm, energy, and productivity and prepare for an epic 2021! 

“Starbuck’s Counseling” During Covid-19

It might sound funny to you but, business is booming in the Starbucks parking lot! As many of you know, I have a consulting business and I help individuals and corporations to communicate more effectively and reach the next rung of whatever ladder they are trying to climb. Guess where I have been consulting since last March? You guessed it, The Starbucks parking lot (specifically the two between Brentwood and Franklin, TN). Why Starbucks? Well, they were the only place that stayed open during the pandemic where a person could escape the doldrums of the house and have a safe outing. Last March, when everything started closing down, the only place available for normalcy and sanity was Starbucks…specifically, the drive thru window. It was music to my ears to hear those saintly baristas say, “Welcome to Starbucks, what can I get started for you?”. These people came to work every day to serve us, despite their own fears of Covid-19. Ironically enough, I was never a Starbucks customer before Covid-19 and I don’t drink coffee. However, now I think I will always be a loyal customer that collects my stars and gets excited when I’ve accumulated enough for a free hot beverage. My drink of choice, in case you were dying of curiosity, is a grande chai tea latte, extra hot, with no foam. I call it therapy in a cup! Try it… it works! My shoulders drop about four inches after the first sip.

It was a crazy time last spring. I would look all around me and it was like a ghost town. At first, I felt like an extra in a bad movie. I felt like I was Will Smith in I Am Legend. Stores everywhere read either “Closed” or “Going out of business”. People were afraid to meet in person and no one had any idea what was safe or unsafe. Tensions were at an all-time high. Last April, jobs had been lost, people had record-breaking cases of anxiety and depression, and there was no relief in sight. Meanwhile, people needed help and my phone was ringing off the hook!

I began asking clients if they would feel comfortable meeting in the Starbucks parking lot. My way of assuring safety and staying six feet apart was that our cars would pull up, side by side, we would lower the windows and have a coaching session. The answer was always an immediate text back, “YEEEEES, I would love to meet at Starbucks!” A date and time were set and off I went. My Starbucks dates, as they are now called, have started including me travelling with a white board, markers, and Post-It notes! I have found these intimate Starbucks meetings are powerful. There is great change taking place, a metanoia of sorts, that will continue long after a coronavirus vaccine is in place. Starbucks has helped me help others. I have helped people through their fear of public speaking, their first Teams meetings, their first Zoom calls, their job interviews, their divorces, their starts to graduate school, their promotions, their weddings… you name it and I’ve done it. Well, me and a cup of therapy from Starbucks!

Coronavirus scared people into isolation. Yet, they desperately wanted to connect with someone and that someone seemed to be me. Thankfully, we have a lot of precautions in place now and there is a vaccine on the horizon. The businesses that have limped through these past eleven months have figured out new methods of customer service. I predict that many of these behaviors will last long after the Covid is over because we have gotten spoiled by having business owners rush to our car with everything from gardening supplies to groceries and our dog food. Starbucks sessions have become my modus operandi. I think the low-key coaching sessions, coupled with your Starbucks elixir of choice, are just the right combination to create successful outcomes. Thank you, Starbucks!

2020 has been one for the books! I would say, “How much more can we possibly take?” but, I’m afraid that could trigger a swarm of locusts or some other phenomenon. Instead, I’ll do what I do best – search for the silver lining and spotlight the possibilities. An hour ago, I was invited to listen in on a “Chase Chat” call with Damon John and three small business owners who told their Covid-19 success stories. These business owners warmed my heart and renewed my spirit with their incredible stories of quickly revamping, pivoting, and positioning themselves for victory. I searched for the common thread between a protocol school, a sudsy laundromat, and a distillery and came up with a short list of common practices. First, they quickly assessed the situation. Second, they found out what the new “need” was, and, third, they got busy supplying it! By the end of the call, I was optimistic that all three of these businesses had found new revenue streams that would ensure their future survival and growth long after the quarantine was over. Lastly, these entrepreneurs didn’t stand on the dock waiting for their ship to come in… they swam out to meet it! You may not have a business that is gasping for air, but what about you?  Could you use a re-vamp? It made me wonder what each of us could do right now – today – to make sure we are successful in 2020 despite a global pandemic, self-quarantine, scavenger hunting for toilet paper, rioting in the streets, and job uncertainty?

Forget businesses for a minute. Instead, focus on yourself. We still have six months to turn 2020 into a dramatic year of personal growth. What if there were 12 very doable steps to help ensure that YOU thrived this year and increased your “happiness factor”? Would you follow them? I think we could all use a little “happy” right about now. Fortunately for you, I’m going to share those 12 steps with you and you can get started immediately.

STEP ONE: Make your bed every morning upon rising. This one is more important than you know! It sets the stage for an organized day, eliminates visual chaos, and is a small accomplishment that sets the tone for the rest of the day.

STEP TWO: Use a reminder app to hold you accountable for a daily “to do” list. (Before bed make a “sticky note” list of activities that you want to accomplish the following day and then read it in the morning after making your bed).

STEP THREE: Do a few minutes of stretching before leaving your bedroom. Afterall, you’ve been dormant for several hours and it’s time to get that body moving! Yogi’s say stretching your arms wide open and opening your chest, opens your heart to possibilities … I just think it feels great and it helps release pent-up energy.

STEP FOUR: BREATHE. This is so simple but, many of us are very shallow breathers. Take a few deep breathes and center yourself for the day as you get dressed. Think good thoughts. Tell yourself (out loud) “Today will be a great day!”

STEP FIVE: Turn off the news … It is a psychological fact that the news is depressing! Read captions and quick sound bites, that’s usually enough to get the drift of what’s going on in the world. God knows everyone else will talk about it all day long.

STEP SIX: Learn to be okay being uncomfortable. It’s natural to not want to make a hard phone call or to not want to have a hard conversation but do it anyway. You will feel strong and realize how capable you are. The only way to get used to doing difficult tasks or being uncomfortable is to put yourself in that position repeatedly and desensitize yourself to the “flinch factor.” If you have been wanting to do something that frightens you like starting a business, going for a promotion, trying some new activity, or pursuing a relationship, give yourself a pep talk and dive in!

STEP SEVEN: Save money. Even if it’s just two dollars a week, get in the habit of putting something aside for a rainy day; it’s so much better than an umbrella. One day you will be surprised to find that your little nest egg has grown to something that grabs your attention.

STEP EIGHT: Choose the people that get to have a leading role in your life. You may not have much say over your boss’s attitude but be picky about who you spend your free time with – it influences your mood. This rule holds true for your doctors, dentists, insurance agent, etc. Life is too short to spend it dreading someone’s company. Find friends and professionals who you respect and who support and uplift you. They are worth keeping around!

STEP NINE:  Download a Language app on your phone. You may be confused by this one. There are a few reasons for this suggestion – I have found instead of being impatient when I am stuck waiting somewhere, I pull out my phone and do 15 minutes here and there of French on my Memrise app. Also, there is a theory about laying new tracks in the brain while learning a language. I’m not a doctor, but supposedly it is a great way to keep your mind nimble and prevent Alzheimer’s!

STEP TEN: Read before bed. Turn the phone off at night and pick up a good book. Get those poor eyes off phone screens and computer screens. Help yourself get a good nights’ sleep. The eye doctor told me this next generation is already exhibiting signs of higher contact and eyeglass prescriptions due to screen time. 35-40 minutes before bed the brain needs to calm down and relax. You will find that after reading, you will find it easier to fall asleep quickly because you haven’t been staring at screens that exude harmful blue light.

STEP ELEVEN: Drink a substantial amount of water all day long. Sleep with a water bottle next to your bed and drink a tall glass of water before going to sleep; it keeps you hydrated and is cardio-protective!

STEP TWELVE: Be Thankful. Each day be thankful, intentionally, for all of the wonderful things in your life. If life has dealt you lemons, you may have to really stop and think about it but, there is ALWAYS something good to be found!

Now, if this list doesn’t appeal to you, make up your own. You know better than anyone else what you need to do! We all have the same 24 hours in a day at our disposal. Let’s turn this ship around! Swim out to it! Embrace change and create a new storyline where you are the main character and there is a happily ever after in 2020.😊

Don’t you wonder why such a big deal is made over effective communication? Communication should be simple – one person talks, the other listens, and a message is both received and delivered. BOOM – we’re done! Well, it’s not quite that simple. We don’t live on an island, or in a cave, by ourselves. We live with lots of other people who have lots of different styles and preferences for communicating. Unless we wake up in the morning and give a great big stretch while declaring, “Good morning world, today I really hope I am misunderstood and frustrated,” we better take a closer look at the importance of effectively communicating. 

The point of effective communication is not just to speak up, but to have positive outcomes! Who doesn’t want that, right?  However, positive outcomes require knowing ‘the rules’ and adopting a willingness to tweak our natural style of communicating to our adaptive style of communicating. (We adapt our behaviors when we are faced with a person who communicates in a way that is different from our normal or natural style. For example, because I am extraverted, I would adapt when speaking to an introvert). 

I already know what you’re thinking: First, why do I have to do all the work? Why doesn’t the other person do the “adapting”? Second, how will I know what the other person(s) style is? How could I possibly be expected to know every communication style or personal preference? Well, with nineteen thousand different behavioral styles, I would have to agree that would be a herculean task. Thankfully, Dr. Marston, the founder of the D.I.S.C. behavioral assessment tool, trimmed that big, fat number down to a very manageable number – four! (Just a quick note of interest on Dr. Marston: He was a lawyer, psychologist, the inventor of the lie detector test, and the creator of Wonder Woman comics… clearly, a man of many talents!). When Dr. Marston truncated the behavioral list to four, he assigned a letter to each of the four behaviors – D.I.S.C. 

My recommendation is to take the D.I.S.C assessment and to know your personal behavioral style. It is the starting point for your ability to effectively communicate with everyone else.  Nothing beats self-knowledge – it puts your car on the road to authentic happiness.

Now, picture each letter having its own press kit of information. Once you know which behaviors align most closely with your behaviors, we can guess at your natural style. Each letter will have two descriptors; you are either introverted or extraverted and you are either people-driven or task-driven. Most of us are a combination of all four styles with one or two being more dominant than the others. There is no right or wrong style: society needs all of us! In addition, I will give you the names of famous individuals to help you visualize each behavior type. I will also give you tricks and tips for communicating effectively with each behavioral style, even if it’s the opposite of your own… It’s fun, I promise!

The D stands for disciplined/direct. This person is an extravert and a task-driven individual. No chit chat and story-telling necessary here. This person is outgoing and fast-paced. They want the bottom line and the details. Think Tiger Woods and Bill Gates. 

The I stands for Innovator. This person is extraverted and people-driven.  You know all those stories you were saving up because the D didn’t want to hear them? Here’s your big chance to talk and get relational. The best way to communicate with this person is to think like an Oreo… begin by being sociable and friendly, place the real point of the conversation in the creamy middle, and finish with a warm goodbye. Famous individuals of this style would be Bill Clinton and Ellen DeGeneres. 

The S stands for stabilizer/supporter. This person is introverted and people-driven. I like to think of this person as the pace car that is out in front at a NASCAR race…very steady. Think Mr. Rogers and Mother Theresa. The stabilizer is quick to agree with others and would rather preserve or create a sense of peace than conflict. They are highly organized, detail-oriented, and often labeled “the peacemaker.” The S will most likely do the task correctly the first time. My suggestion is to avoid a lot of confrontation and argumentation with this person, as it will be very upsetting and distracting to the wonderful work they do and less productive for the team overall. 

Last, but not least, is our C, which stands for cautious/calculating. The C is both an introvert and task- driven.  I sometimes like to talk about this behavioral style because is the polar-opposite to my high I and I can demonstrate how to adapt my natural style and achieve a harmonious outcome! Because I am well aware that I am chatty and the C is not, I consciously limit pulling out my microphone and bursting onto the stage of this persons’ office. Instead, I enter with a warm salutation and get right to business. For example, if this person needed information from me regarding next weeks’ meeting, I might put all of the information in a binder, have color coded tabs that correspond with the table of contents, and an extra page with potentially useful hyperlinks for the C to grab additional information. The C’s worst nightmare is being asked a question that they can’t answer because, at their core, they are researchers. I strongly advise you not to go to a meeting with a C unprepared. Famous examples of this behavioral style are Albert Einstein and C-3PO, the gold robot from Star Wars movies. 

In conclusion, I want to leave you with a few thoughts about the importance of understanding your own personal style and that of those around you. Stephen Covey, author of The Seven Habits of Highly Successful People, once said, “We see the world not as it is, but as we are.” 

I want you all to do one more exercise with me. Can you picture putting on a pair of blue tinted glasses and having your entire office look blue? The walls are blue, the carpet is blue, the windows are blue… you get the idea. Now, picture inviting someone else into your office and they put on a pair of yellow tinted glasses. Everything in that same room would appear yellow to them. Who would be correct? Is the room blue or yellow? My point is this – BOTH of you are correct.  Anyone familiar with the artists color wheel knows that blue and yellow make green. I used those colors intentionally because I want you to start communicating intentionally.

Now, visualize a green traffic signal. Moving forward, I want a light to go off in your mind when communicating with those that are different from your natural style. I want the green signal to symbolize moving forward – just think, GREEN means GO. Go forward together! You just may find that while your relationships are busy thriving, you are experiencing a more joy-filled and peaceful life. Happy communicating! 

Amidst the chaos of the Covid-19 crisis, there has been some true creativity taking place! I have been asked to participate in several podcasts and videos regarding stress management, effectively working from home, and how to thrive during this pandemic. What strikes me as amazing are the people emerging from the woodwork and crushing this time as an opportunity to grow their personal brands. They are capitalizing on their skills and talents in order to help others who need motivation, a career boot, or a financial fix that will tie them over while they find their next job. Two weeks ago, I spoke to a woman who laughingly suggested we barter for services. Fireworks went off in my head…this is brilliant! Now, don’t misunderstand me, I am fully aware that a society needs cold hard cash to sustain itself, but there’s nothing wrong with a little bartering and exchanging of services. I’m going to share some ideas of how you can barter for services, save your money, and come together as a community.

Bartering goes back to 6000 B.C. with the Mesopotamian tribes. (Today, lawyers utilize bartering in contracts and refer to it as “consideration”.)  2020 is a long way from Mesopotamia, and in Western civilization, we really don’t barter as a culture, so how do we do this? Well, glad you asked. Here’s a perfect example of bartering: I saw a sign stapled to a tree the other day that said, “house painting for your old car.” I chuckled and thought, this person is thinking outside of the box. I like it. More importantly…he just might get the car! It got me thinking about all the other services that could be swapped or exchanged and how we could let those in our community know we are available for hire. Then I thought about Poshmark, Facebook, Instagram, and a whole host of other social media resources at everyone’s disposal these days and voila…these “bartering businesses” have just gained instant advertising! 

For the past two years, I have purchased almost all of my shoes on Poshmark.  Do you know why? Because they are high quality luxury items that I really can’t afford with four college-aged students on my current family budget.  My last pair of Poshmark pumps were a two tone, chocolate and tan, buttery soft, Italian leather pump that retailed for $150.00… I know because the tags were still on and they were never worn. Incidentally, I paid under forty dollars for them! The point is this–they wanted to sell, and I wanted to buy. Okay, that’s all you need to know about Marketing 101. We all use social media to post pictures, sound bites, and snippets from our lives in hopes of attracting more likes and followers. Can you imagine if we reached out to those same people and offered a service exchange during this Covid-19 quarantine?

Let me help to get your creative juices flowing by giving you a few examples of bartering within your community. For example, think about small businesses and sole proprietors helping each other out…perhaps a website developer helps a landscaper enhance his online presence in return for having his shrubs shaped and his lawn cut. What about a lawyer giving advice in return for having his taxes performed by a certified accountant? Many of you reading this may think, “I don’t have a service to swap…this won’t work for me.” Wait! Maybe you want to exchange your cooking ability for having your home cleaned. Maybe you can tutor someone’s child in return for a haircut and color. Maybe offer to be the photographer at someone’s wedding in exchange for having your nails done this month.

There are three things that I find really attractive about the idea of bartering: first, social media can become a community vehicle for helping our neighbors. Just knowing your neighbor is in need of something that you can offer should make us happy and eager to give. Secondly, I love the idea of giving in exchange for getting. Everybody feels good receiving and thus leaves with their ego intact. There is in no “hand out” going on here. Thirdly, the blessing in all of this bartering may be the gift of self-knowledge.  Wouldn’t it be wonderful if we emerged from this quarantine with a new or renewed depth of understanding about our own self-worth? Perhaps, it will be a launching pad for a new business idea. Happy bartering, neighbor!