Effective Communication: I'm Speaking Clearly...So Why am I Misunderstood?

Don’t you wonder why such a big deal is made over effective communication? Communication should be simple – one person talks, the other listens, and a message is both received and delivered. BOOM – we’re done! Well, it’s not quite that simple. We don’t live on an island, or in a cave, by ourselves. We live with lots of other people who have lots of different styles and preferences for communicating. Unless we wake up in the morning and give a great big stretch while declaring, “Good morning world, today I really hope I am misunderstood and frustrated,” we better take a closer look at the importance of effectively communicating. 

The point of effective communication is not just to speak up, but to have positive outcomes! Who doesn’t want that, right?  However, positive outcomes require knowing ‘the rules’ and adopting a willingness to tweak our natural style of communicating to our adaptive style of communicating. (We adapt our behaviors when we are faced with a person who communicates in a way that is different from our normal or natural style. For example, because I am extraverted, I would adapt when speaking to an introvert). 

I already know what you’re thinking: First, why do I have to do all the work? Why doesn’t the other person do the “adapting”? Second, how will I know what the other person(s) style is? How could I possibly be expected to know every communication style or personal preference? Well, with nineteen thousand different behavioral styles, I would have to agree that would be a herculean task. Thankfully, Dr. Marston, the founder of the D.I.S.C. behavioral assessment tool, trimmed that big, fat number down to a very manageable number – four! (Just a quick note of interest on Dr. Marston: He was a lawyer, psychologist, the inventor of the lie detector test, and the creator of Wonder Woman comics… clearly, a man of many talents!). When Dr. Marston truncated the behavioral list to four, he assigned a letter to each of the four behaviors – D.I.S.C. 

My recommendation is to take the D.I.S.C assessment and to know your personal behavioral style. It is the starting point for your ability to effectively communicate with everyone else.  Nothing beats self-knowledge – it puts your car on the road to authentic happiness.

Now, picture each letter having its own press kit of information. Once you know which behaviors align most closely with your behaviors, we can guess at your natural style. Each letter will have two descriptors; you are either introverted or extraverted and you are either people-driven or task-driven. Most of us are a combination of all four styles with one or two being more dominant than the others. There is no right or wrong style: society needs all of us! In addition, I will give you the names of famous individuals to help you visualize each behavior type. I will also give you tricks and tips for communicating effectively with each behavioral style, even if it’s the opposite of your own… It’s fun, I promise!

The D stands for disciplined/direct. This person is an extravert and a task-driven individual. No chit chat and story-telling necessary here. This person is outgoing and fast-paced. They want the bottom line and the details. Think Tiger Woods and Bill Gates. 

The I stands for Innovator. This person is extraverted and people-driven.  You know all those stories you were saving up because the D didn’t want to hear them? Here’s your big chance to talk and get relational. The best way to communicate with this person is to think like an Oreo… begin by being sociable and friendly, place the real point of the conversation in the creamy middle, and finish with a warm goodbye. Famous individuals of this style would be Bill Clinton and Ellen DeGeneres. 

The S stands for stabilizer/supporter. This person is introverted and people-driven. I like to think of this person as the pace car that is out in front at a NASCAR race…very steady. Think Mr. Rogers and Mother Theresa. The stabilizer is quick to agree with others and would rather preserve or create a sense of peace than conflict. They are highly organized, detail-oriented, and often labeled “the peacemaker.” The S will most likely do the task correctly the first time. My suggestion is to avoid a lot of confrontation and argumentation with this person, as it will be very upsetting and distracting to the wonderful work they do and less productive for the team overall. 

Last, but not least, is our C, which stands for cautious/calculating. The C is both an introvert and task- driven.  I sometimes like to talk about this behavioral style because is the polar-opposite to my high I and I can demonstrate how to adapt my natural style and achieve a harmonious outcome! Because I am well aware that I am chatty and the C is not, I consciously limit pulling out my microphone and bursting onto the stage of this persons’ office. Instead, I enter with a warm salutation and get right to business. For example, if this person needed information from me regarding next weeks’ meeting, I might put all of the information in a binder, have color coded tabs that correspond with the table of contents, and an extra page with potentially useful hyperlinks for the C to grab additional information. The C’s worst nightmare is being asked a question that they can’t answer because, at their core, they are researchers. I strongly advise you not to go to a meeting with a C unprepared. Famous examples of this behavioral style are Albert Einstein and C-3PO, the gold robot from Star Wars movies. 

In conclusion, I want to leave you with a few thoughts about the importance of understanding your own personal style and that of those around you. Stephen Covey, author of The Seven Habits of Highly Successful People, once said, “We see the world not as it is, but as we are.” 

I want you all to do one more exercise with me. Can you picture putting on a pair of blue tinted glasses and having your entire office look blue? The walls are blue, the carpet is blue, the windows are blue… you get the idea. Now, picture inviting someone else into your office and they put on a pair of yellow tinted glasses. Everything in that same room would appear yellow to them. Who would be correct? Is the room blue or yellow? My point is this – BOTH of you are correct.  Anyone familiar with the artists color wheel knows that blue and yellow make green. I used those colors intentionally because I want you to start communicating intentionally.

Now, visualize a green traffic signal. Moving forward, I want a light to go off in your mind when communicating with those that are different from your natural style. I want the green signal to symbolize moving forward – just think, GREEN means GO. Go forward together! You just may find that while your relationships are busy thriving, you are experiencing a more joy-filled and peaceful life. Happy communicating!